They won't miss me

Ok, let's get one thing straight, before I even open my mouth... I am NOT going to commit suicide, so before anyone gets that idea from this post, please place it outside your mind and get a grip. I'm not that stupid.
Now, on to bigger and better things. I want to be ok. That is what I want, I want to be OK damnit. But you see, since I am the selfish asshole that I am, certain things have to fall into place for me to be ok.

1. I have to be able to be myself. For all of you who are lost at this point, please hang up and try again. I don't feel like explaining.
2. I have to get what I want. I'm not talking in circles, in case you were wondering, this is something other than being ok.
3. I have to feel like people are listening to me, and genuinly give a shit about what I am talking about.
4. I need someone to love me. Don't even think about saying "but there are people that love you," you know what I mean, and if you don't, you should watch a romantic comedy or something, I mean honestly, get a grip.
5. I need to be able to feel like what I am... not going to explain that either. If you are really lost, go somewhere else, you won't get it.

More ranting? Sure.

Every single day of my life, I wake up feeling like a selfish asshole/jerk/the-most-horrible-person-in-the-world. I was frustrated today at my lack of explaination of this certain subject. I feel like an asshole because:

1. I want people to feel things they don't. i.e. love me, want to be with me, want me around, miss me, etc.
2. I constantly lie to people about who I am. What a wonderful thing, eh? Again, for those of you who are lost... you should probably stop reading now.
3. I am very selfish. This doesn't mean that I get what I want when I want it, because I rarely get what I want. This just means that I am a selfish asshole.

So, the conclusions I have come to are just wonderful.

1. If I left/died/vanished, no one would miss me. It might be genuine and heartfelt for a few days, but after that, people would just realize that they are just "making themselves hurt" for no reason. They would realize I'm not coming back, and stop caring, or stop trying, or stop wishing I would come back.
2. I am not going to be ok... not now, and probably not ever. It's just not in the cards for me. Damn. I always knew it.
3. I need to get out of this hellhole of a town and start my life fresh. New friends, new job, new town, new life. Maybe then I won't feel like I don't matter.

Alright. Now you have listened to me rant, and I know what you are saying. "Just another teenager filled with angst, feeling sorry for themselves, and trying to make others feel the same." And you know what I have to say to you:

Fuck off. If you had to live 10 minutes in my shoes, you would know why I am so goddamn angsty. You would know why I just want to be ok, and be happy. You would know why I feel the way I do, and you would just want it all to be over with. You would feel like an idiot for ever believing you could get what you want, or for wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. And if you feel guilty because of all of what I have just said... you probably deserve it. Face it, I can be an asshole sometimes, and if that's what you think I am right now... you are probably right. If you don't like what I have just said, go fuck yourself. This is my blog, I'll write whatever the hell I feel like writing, and if you don't want to read it, that's your perogative. And if you truly think that I am being suicidal, maybe you should think about that for a sec. Realize, just for a second that I wouldn't do something like that. And if you can't get that through your head, at least know this:

They wouldn't miss me anyway.