downward spiral

I am on such a downard spiral right now. I have smoked 3 times this week. I have done something I haven't done in so long.... it hurts. I am so close to just saying "fuck this, and fuck relationships, fuck love, fuck everything." I'm so close to just deciding that i want to sleep with everyone on the block because I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to just be numb as fuck. That's what I really want. I want to stop hurting. So bad.