Life, liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness

Someone once told me that happiness is something you make for yourself. And I didn't truly believe them until now. You see, I've spent the past year and a half trying desperately to get over being heartbroken... Trying to find someone else. You know what I realized? It doesn't fucking work. You have to make yourself forget about it, you have to paint yourself out of any pictures that person paints, and you have to make yourself happy. You can't rely on others to provide that happiness. It seemed like such a childish concept when I first heard it, but now I completely understand what she was talking about.

I wonder, though, why it is that I am seen as the one who is doing something so mean and awful. When I talk about what happened, I rarely mention her name, and when I do, it is either to someone who would have no idea who she is, or to someone who already knows the whole story and has known for quite some time. I don't go around dissing on my ex, mostly because there's just no point. I express frustration, but merely that, and nothing else. I don't know what I think she is anymore. I've just tried to stop thinking about it.

Truly, I've been doing a good job of it. It's only when I actually have to see her that I get all dismantled and shit. I mean, fuck me, why can't we just be courteous and move on? I don't know. I've decided that I have no answers, and that may just be the way it has to stay.

On a similar note: I am happier than I have been in years. Given, there has been a lot of shit going on in my life lately, I am still happy. I'm still glad to be where I am, glad to be alive, and mostly, glad that I am meeting new people and doing new things. I've met so many people who love and care for me, so many new people who truly do not care about my lifestyle, but rather, enjoy my company. It's something I've always wanted, and something I'm finally able to experience.

However, there are still times when I think about my ex. Times when I just can't get over how good things used to be, and how shitty they are now. There are times when I wish I had her back, and times when I know that I am better off where I am now. There is still a glimmer of hope, but I've stopped counting on it. If things change: fine. If they don't: fine again. I have to just keep going through the motions and find something else to be passionate about.