Walking in Circles

Alright. I know. I rarely ever write about things that I think about anymore. I try, but it ends up becoming a rant session, which is not my intent. So here I am again... on the verge of writing a post about what I am thinking. Here goes.

I'm not sure exactly what things go through my head at various points during the day. Between thinking about people I miss, and thinking about the things I have been through in the past few months, it's all become one big, surreal blur. Sometimes I can't even remember what day it is, or what class I had 2nd period. It's not that I can't make myself forget about the things that go on in my head, because I can. It's that I don't want to. Most of the things that go through my head are just memories, sparked by a song, or a poem, or an object. These things that have happened are usually good, but make me feel so lost.

And believe me, I try to keep on the path I am going right now. I try to keep myself focused on what needs to get done so I can do what I want with my life. I try to pay attention in class, and get my homework done. I try to meet deadlines. Having ADD has nothing to with it, I'm told. Sure. I suppose that works. My lack of attention stems from playing memories back in my head. These memories are all I have left sometimes.

For the moments that I do accomplish the task of paying attention, I always feel so numb. Just sitting there, in another monotonous classroom lecture. Watching another movie. Writing another paper. It's all so repetitive. So even when I do pay attention, it's much less rewarding than one would think, but hey, I try.

I catch myself thinking about life after high school a lot. Wondering what it will be like. Who I will be with. Where I will live. What I will end up doing. Who will love me. It's quite captivating, I must admit. If only I could show people what goes on in my head, then the would understand. Apart from spending time thinking about the future, I end up worrying about friends who tell me there's nothing to worry about.

These friends who are going through things I have experienced before. I want to take them in my arms and tell them everything is going to be alright. Tell them that they just have to hold on to what they have. Tell them they have someone who loves them and cares about them more than they know. Hardly any of these things truly happen; not for lack of trying, I assure you.

Apart from all of that, I spend my time trying to just be me. Trying to get what I want. Trying to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with. I know. It sounds cliche. And it probably is. You're probably right. I probably won't get what I want. Because no matter how much you love someone, it doesn't make them love you back. As much as you want to be with them, it doesn't make them want to be with you. It's hard to swallow, for sure.

Mostly, it's harder when you have found someone you know you could be happy with. They just aren't sure about anything. They aren't sure what they want, and they aren't sure if they can take that leap that love requires. Sure. They love you. They care for you. They miss you. You hardly hear them say it, but you know they do. That doesn't make it any easier to have to live with thoughts of not getting to spend the rest of your life with them because they can't say that's what they want.

So, what does that leave me with? Lots of confusing thoughts, and lots of non-existent answers to hypothetical questions. Who knows, maybe I will get what I want. Maybe I will be able to look back on my life and say "I did great things." Maybe. No one can tell right now.