The storm before the calm

This is not the storm before the calm. It's not some big explosion with a silence to follow. This is my life. I always feel so at odds with the people I care about. It's like we're two gunslingers, standing at opposite ends of the room, pointing guns full of things we should have said. I feel like we don't say what we are thinking. I feel as if we're stuck, or at least getting there. I want so badly to say the things that are on my mind, but I'm afraid that I will just fuck it up, which is entirely possible. For sure, I know that I don't want to ruin the friendship. Because, I'll be honest, as much as I hurt, it's all just the means justifying the ends. Because we do have a great friendship, and we know where we stand, and that's just the way it is. But sometimes I feel like we should be saying things that we don't.

I feel like there are times when I am feeling bad for myself, and you know it, and feel sorry for me, and want to say something to make it better, but know that you can't. Yeah, it's kinda like that. Not only do I feel like this, but I feel like such a whiner. The truth is, I'm trying. I'm trying so hard to not let life pass me by, because life doesn't wait for you to get your shit together, it doesn't wait for you to get back up on your feet, and that's the truth. It just keeps going by, and there's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. You can't just keep standing back and waiting for something good to happen, you have to make it happen, and I'm trying so very hard to do that.

I'm not, in any way, saying that I am unhappy with my friends. My friends have always been there for me, and they continue to be there for me, and I am so very thankful for that. They have aways made me feel better when I needed it, and said more than just what I needed to hear. So to any of my friends who are reading this, thank you, so much, for putting up with my shit, i know there's a lot of it, but I love you guys all so much.