Here we go now, one more time

It's stopped being alright. And by it, I mean me. I've never felt so worthless in my entire life. Just for the record: I'm not a bad person. I don't try to seek her out. I don't call unless I need information about church. I don't bug her. She sees me once in a blue moon.

I don't understand. Apparently, my very existence ruins her life. Apparently I'm the bane of her existence. Why? I have no idea. I wasn't an asshole. I don't want anything but friendship. I want her to hear that I care about her, and want to be her friend. Because, before any of this ever happened, we were friends. And that was and still is vastly more important than any of this other stuff. I think that's worth something, but I don't know how to tell her that.

I don't know how to tell her that this is ripping me apart, and I just want to handle this like adults, and do something different. I'm sick of playing the middle school game of active dislike, I'm sick of being such a fucking burden. It's not so bad for me to call and wish her a merry Christmas, but apparently I ruined her day. It's not so bad for me to want to give her a hug as she leaves, I give people I don't even know hugs. Hugs are not bad, hugs are not attacks, they are just friendly. I was just trying to be friendly.

And now I'm stuck in this limbo of not understanding, not knowing why she dislikes me this much, not knowing why I ruin her. I don't understand. All I ever did was love. That's all I continue to do, because I was under the impression that there's nothing wrong with loving people, and I refuse to give that notion up.